Presidential Election

Well, it’s that time again. Time to elect a new leader. I’m not too excited about our choices either. On one hand, we have a semi-elderly Republican (or is that an oxymoron?) who may actually know what he’s doing (and would that be nice for a change) and on the other, a young, black Democrat who appears to be very inexperienced to do this job. Of course inexperience didn’t stop Dumm-ya. Ok, bad example.

How come in beauty pageants and realty shows where you can vote for who you want to win, you get multiple choices but when it come to selecting who (or is that whom?) you want to be the head of your country you only get one of two options? This is like going to a restaurant and being told you can have either the chicken or the chicken.

Oh well, more to come on this debacle in the future.

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Indiana Jones

It’s been 19 years. It cost millions to make. One of the most anticipated sequels ever.

And this was the best lame-ass story line Steven Spielberg could come up with? What a waste. Of course Spielberg’s laughing all the way to the bank, so what do I know?

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Knuckleheads in the News

A group of teenagers in North Carolina were having a sleepover and as will happen, the topic of conversation turned to sex. The mother of the young man who was hosting the sleepover and a friend of hers overheard the conversation and decided to join in. One thing led to another and a few of the young men were, to put it delicately (and we know the ‘Rat is ALL about being delicate), serviced in various ways by the mom and her friend. Our young host was not in the room at the time and did not witness the proceedings.

Anyway…everyone was happy until one of the young gentlemen was so overcome (no pun intended) by guilt that he told his parents about what happened and needless to say, the two women are being charged with whatever it is that people get charged for in this situation.

There is only one possible thing you can say to the young man who ratted everybody out.

Wait for it…

ARE YOU TOTALLY IN-FUCKING-SANE!?!?!

This is the absolute CLOSEST you will ever get to hitting the lottery and you felt guilty!? Jesus Tap-dancing Christ! This is a once in a fucking lifetime experience! NOTHING like this will EVER happen again to you in your miserable lifetime and you felt GUILTY?!? What are you trying to be, the POPE?

When I was a teenager I would’ve gladly given 10 years off the end of my life for something like this to happen. I’m sure this applies to just about every heterosexual male out there as well.

Un-fucking-believable.

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Snakes in the News

Did you know that poisonous snakes do not always inject their venom when they bite? And did you know that the Australian Brown Snake is the deadliest snake in the world.

I told you those two facts to tell you this story…

It seems there was a gentleman traveling through the outback of Australia when he had to answer the call of nature. Well, as the gentleman crouched down to do his business; he failed to notice that there was an Australian Brown Snake nearby. Once “settled” in, so to speak, the snake slithered in between his feet and bit the poor gentleman on his danglies. The gentleman was able to drive himself an unknown distance to the nearest medical facility, where, the snake was removed and the gentleman’s equipment was repaired. Fortunately for the unnamed man, the snake did not inject any venom or he would’ve been dead before he had reached his car.

Now THAT’S what I call a trouser snake.

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NEWS FLASH!!!

This just in…The Dograt’s wife actually said that he was right about something today. The ‘Rat was not available for comment since he immediately fainted after hearing this declaration.

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This ends the entertainment portion of your day. GTF back to work.

The people have spoken (they ARE out there and they ARE everywhere) and the Dograt has returned. He was on a short sabbatical (3 years) and is now ready to hold forth on world events again. But first, before I go on, here is a...
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Public Service Announcement (heretofore known as a PSA):
Welcome to Dograt Barks, a semi-informational web log that features the bullshit opinions of the ‘Rat. Before I get started, please read the following disclaimer…

This site details the Dograt and what he cares to divulge or talk about. Most of the dreck he will have me put in here is meant to be taken humorously and is representative of his somewhat warped/sarcastic/self-depreciating humor, personality and opinions.

Please be aware that these opinions belong only to the Dograt and they do not represent the opinions of the author, the authors family, the authors dog, the United States of America, or any other organization I have ever belonged to in the past or any I may belong to in the future.

In addition, let the word go forth from this time and place that the Dograt is NOT associated with any other Dograt, Dog Rat or anyone with a Dograt spelling variation thereof, forthwith and heretofore.

So having said all that...if you don't mind reading the minutiae and the rantings of a possibly mentally unbalanced, not to mention knuckleheaded, person, then feel free to continue reading.

Thank You and I hope I pass the audition.

Oh, one more thing...I frequently use the dreaded F-word in this blog. If profanity offends you in any way…well, get the fuck out.

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Regarding the F-Bomb
It is has been told that the Dograt was first taught the F-bomb by his Aunt Lois when he was first learning to speak. It is also rumored that the first time the ‘Rat used the word in public, it was in the presence of not only his mother, but 2 or 3 nuns from a local church who happened to be standing nearby, causing his mother great embarrassment. It is unknown if this is the true origin of how the Dograt first learned this dreadful word, but, it does make a decent story.
So as you can see, the ‘Rat was destined to go to hell at a very early age.

Speaking of the F-bomb, have you ever noticed how versatile the it is? It can used as a verb (“They fucked”), as a noun (“You fucker!), as an adjective (“He’s a fucking idiot”), as an expression of exasperation (“Fuck me!”), an expression of anguish (Fuck!) and as an expression of ill boding (“Oh, fuck”). It can also be used to get some attention if you’re in a situation where another person is ignoring you. For example, you might originally ask, “Please pass the ketchup”, and get ignored. But if you say, “Please pass the fucking ketchup”, you’re almost guaranteed to get it. For variety you could also throw in another epithet or two at the end of the sentence for good measure. For example, “Please pass me the fucking ketchup, asshole”, will usually work as well.

TOP TEN TIMES WHEN F WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck did all these Indians come from?" - General Custer
"But, it's so fucking simple!!" - Albert Einstein
"It does SO fucking look like her!" - Pablo Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want me to paint the whole fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo
"I suppose a little fucking rain would be too much to ask?" - Joan of Arc
"Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton
"Scattered fucking showers...my ass." - Noah


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Reality Shows

Previously, I had written about the superfluous amount of reality shows and their lack of relevance to our lives. Well, sadly, the ’Rat has to admit that he watches two of these show. And admitting something is the first step towards recovery. Anyway...

I watch Top Chef and The Deadliest Catch. I follow Top Chef because of the food. I don’t really care about the people, but I keep hoping that I’ll see something that I might be interested in eating. After two seasons, I haven’t seen anything I’d feed to my dog.

I can’t explain why I watch The Deadliest Catch. It follows 5 Alaskan king crab fishing boats through their fishing season in the Bering Sea. (That’s the sea between Alaska and Russia for those of you who are geographically challenged) The only real drama of the show is whether someone will get washed overboard and then either be rescued or drown, or if the boats meet their catch quotas for the season.

There, I’ve just completed step 1 of the healing process.

Having said all that, I think if we’re going to have reality TV, let’s have some REAL reality TV. Enough with the controlled settings. Put these people in some real danger…NOW we’re talking reality…Not to mention entertainment.

Reality Shows you WON’T see next season (Thanks to Bill from Long Island for these shows):

“Celebrity At Any Cost” Eight celebrity wanna-be’s are set loose on each other with a file crew following each wanna-be. Winner gets a multi-million dollar B-movie contract.

“$5,000 Nail” 10 contestants hammer nails into their own heads. Whoever pounds the most nails into their head wins $5000 per nail.

“Torture Chamber” People are given the opportunity to inflict pain on family and friends over trivial slights while locked in small enclosed spaces for valuable prizes.

“Commander-In-Chief” Follow the election campaigns of America’s biggest liars. The two finalists in the nationwide election argue their cases in front of the Supreme Court Justice’s. The winner is selected to be President for four years by the Supreme Court. Oh wait, this WAS done before.

“Survivor: Submarine” 20 contestants are put onto a submarine and put out to sea with a one day supply of food and a gun loaded with 19 shots.

“What Would Jesus Do?” Three hardy contestants re-enact the passion of Jesus. With real nails and crosses.

“Escaped Convict” 5 Texas Death Row Inmates are released with no money and a film crew. Hilarity ensues. The first to arrive in New York City is pardoned. The Losers are summarily executed.

“Horror House” Total strangers are locked in a house with a serial killer and cameras placed throughout the house. The last contestant to remain alive wins. The serial killer gets an all-expense paid trip to the destination of his choice before being returned to serve out his sentence.

“Whack-A-Mole” 20 contestants, one of whom spills the secrets of the others to the authorities. The other contestants try to guess who the mole is. The winner gets to whack the mole, in the strictest Sicilian sense of the word.

“Survival Of The Toughest” Self-proclaimed “tough-guys” fight in cages with starved bears using only their bodies and wits.

“If I Had A Hammer” Two Contestants, Two hammers, one ring, no rules. (The ‘Rats personal fave)

“You Bet Your Life” You REALLY bet your life.

“Mechanic On Duty” A suburban, professional white couple have their car rigged to break down in South Central LA during a riot.

Most of this entry was reproduced of an entry from 2004. I repeated myself in other words...So sue me.

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A Hungarian proverb regarding the spreading of rumors goes: “Kick a walnut in a sack and the rest will clatter.
Dograt say: “Don’t be kicking anybody’s nuts in any sack.”

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This ends the entertainment portion of you day. GTF back to work.