Saw this headline on CNN.com: “Who is January Jones dating?”…a better headline may have been, “Who the fuck is January Jones?”
Saw this headline at various places on the internet: “Amanda Bynes announces her un-retirement.” Number 1, when pray tell, did this former child star that Disney rammed down our throats “retire?” Number 2, don’t you have to HAVE a career to retire from?
Because I don’t feel like delving into the social, political and otherwise inane aspect of recent news, I’m posting something one of my old Navy buddies, Sven, sent me. If you don’t like it, blame him.
The Man Rules
We always hear about ”THE RULES” from the female point of view. Now we finally have the ”MAN RULES” written down.
And please note – they are ALL numbered ONE…ON PURPOSE!!
#1: This rule is first and foremost…Men are NOT mind readers!
#1. PLEASE learn to use the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If the seat is up, put it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you don’t put the seat up.
#1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. It’s going to happen. Let it be.
#1. Crying IS blackmail.
#1. ASK for what you want. Let’s be clear: subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Obvious hints don’t work. PLEASE JUST ASK!...And if you need to, ASK TWICE!
#1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Conversations are NOT required to answer a question.
#1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want us to solve it. This is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
#1. Anything we said 6-months ago or longer are inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null & void after seven (7) days.
#1. If you think you’re fat, you just may be. You are a better judge of your shape than we are. This also falls under the category of “If you don’t really want the honest answer, don’t ask us the question.”
#1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and the way we said it makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.
#1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. NOT BOTH. If you already know the best way to do it, then do it yourself. Save an argument.
#1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
#1. All men see in only 16 colors. Kind of like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And we have no idea what fucking color mauve is.
#1. If a body part itches, we WILL scratch it. It is another thing we do. And it’s usually fun.
#1. If we ask you, “what is wrong?”, we will act as if nothing is wrong. We KNOW you’re lying, but it’s not worth the hassle.
#1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, then expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
#1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking unless you’re prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, football, basketball, how are fantasy sports team is doing, or how much our boss is fucking us over at work.
#1. Yes, you have enough clothes.
#1. Yes, you have enough shoes.
#1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.
#1. Thank you for reading this. Yes I know I’m sleeping on the couch tonight. But you know what, we men don’t really mind that. It’s kind of like camping.
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. Get back to work.
