Well, let’s see…what happened this week? Oh yeah, we inaugurated a new president. A new beginning…A new America…A rejuvenated America…A stronger America. As of January 20, 2009, women’s breasts will get larger. Men’s schwantzes will get bigger. We’ll all develop abs of iron and buns of steel. Our chests and nether regions will swell with power and become hairier. We will all have jobs we love and never want to leave. We will all become millionaires…no wait, we will become billionaires. Our enemies will stop fucking with us, because we have become a NEW, IMPROVED AMERICA!
Wait for it…
BULLSHIT!! Same shit, different president. Only this one, hopefully, will have a clue. Maybe he can come up with a better way to help the economy than issuing $1500 rebate checks.
When watching the inauguration, I suddenly had this vision:
Obama steps up to the podium to give his speech when suddenly he pulls off his coat revealing a tan cowboy outfit, puts on a white cowboy hat and starts his speech by saying, “Where de white women at?”
Of course you only get that joke if you’ve seen Blazing Saddles. I’m also sure that a lot of Republicans and/or southerners expected that, or something like that to happen too.
I really liked the speech Obama gave too. Short, to the point and a nice little bitch slap at Dumm-ya. Of course I’m sure Dumm-ya didn’t get it until Dr. Strangelove (Dick Cheney) explained it to him.
The gist of Obama’s speech was that nothing is going to be fixed right away & that miracles should not be expected. I liked the speech because he tempered a lot of feelings that people have that he’s going to fix everything immediately.
You know something I would’ve paid to see Obama do? After his speech when he and the other dignitaries were leaving the podium, I would’ve liked to have seen him shake Dumm-ya’s hand, then kick him off the balcony of the Capitol screaming, “Get the fuck off my stoop and get the hell outta my yard!” Fortunately, Obama has a lot more class than I do.
And would somebody, anybody, anybody please tell me what that thing on Aretha’s head was?
Here’s a joke for you gun enthusiasts courtesy of our new administration:
Knock-Knock.
Who’s there?
ATF…surrender your guns.
That joke cracks me up. But seriously people, it won’t happen. Besides, the ATF already knows who you are and where you live.
Last, but not least, did you read where Michelle Obama’s freaking HAIR STYLIST is going to get his own reality show? Can’t ANYONE stop the madness?!?
That's all for now. Get back to work making this country great again.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
’Twas The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
And for those of you with children, always remember and NEVER forget:
Assembly is always freaking required…and…
Batteries are never fucking included.
Talk to you after the new year.
Peace.
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
And for those of you with children, always remember and NEVER forget:
Assembly is always freaking required…and…
Batteries are never fucking included.
Talk to you after the new year.
Peace.
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