Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
Merry Christmas everybody. Peace.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Useless “Celebrity” Headlines
Saw this headline on CNN.com: “Who is January Jones dating?”…a better headline may have been, “Who the fuck is January Jones?”
Saw this headline at various places on the internet: “Amanda Bynes announces her un-retirement.” Number 1, when pray tell, did this former child star that Disney rammed down our throats “retire?” Number 2, don’t you have to HAVE a career to retire from?
------------------------------
Because I don’t feel like delving into the social, political and otherwise inane aspect of recent news, I’m posting something one of my old Navy buddies, Sven, sent me. If you don’t like it, blame him.
We always hear about ”THE RULES” from the female point of view. Now we finally have the ”MAN RULES” written down.
And please note – they are ALL numbered ONE…ON PURPOSE!!
#1: This rule is first and foremost…Men are NOT mind readers!
#1. PLEASE learn to use the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If the seat is up, put it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you don’t put the seat up.
#1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. It’s going to happen. Let it be.
#1. Crying IS blackmail.
#1. ASK for what you want. Let’s be clear: subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Obvious hints don’t work. PLEASE JUST ASK!...And if you need to, ASK TWICE!
#1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Conversations are NOT required to answer a question.
#1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want us to solve it. This is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
#1. Anything we said 6-months ago or longer are inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null & void after seven (7) days.
#1. If you think you’re fat, you just may be. You are a better judge of your shape than we are. This also falls under the category of “If you don’t really want the honest answer, don’t ask us the question.”
#1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and the way we said it makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.
#1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. NOT BOTH. If you already know the best way to do it, then do it yourself. Save an argument.
#1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
#1. All men see in only 16 colors. Kind of like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And we have no idea what fucking color mauve is.
#1. If a body part itches, we WILL scratch it. It is another thing we do. And it’s usually fun.
#1. If we ask you, “what is wrong?”, we will act as if nothing is wrong. We KNOW you’re lying, but it’s not worth the hassle.
#1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, then expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
#1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking unless you’re prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, football, basketball, how are fantasy sports team is doing, or how much our boss is fucking us over at work.
#1. Yes, you have enough clothes.
#1. Yes, you have enough shoes.
#1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.
#1. Thank you for reading this. Yes I know I’m sleeping on the couch tonight. But you know what, we men don’t really mind that. It’s kind of like camping.
------------------------------
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. Get back to work.
Saw this headline on CNN.com: “Who is January Jones dating?”…a better headline may have been, “Who the fuck is January Jones?”
Saw this headline at various places on the internet: “Amanda Bynes announces her un-retirement.” Number 1, when pray tell, did this former child star that Disney rammed down our throats “retire?” Number 2, don’t you have to HAVE a career to retire from?
Because I don’t feel like delving into the social, political and otherwise inane aspect of recent news, I’m posting something one of my old Navy buddies, Sven, sent me. If you don’t like it, blame him.
The Man Rules
We always hear about ”THE RULES” from the female point of view. Now we finally have the ”MAN RULES” written down.
And please note – they are ALL numbered ONE…ON PURPOSE!!
#1: This rule is first and foremost…Men are NOT mind readers!
#1. PLEASE learn to use the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If the seat is up, put it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you don’t put the seat up.
#1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. It’s going to happen. Let it be.
#1. Crying IS blackmail.
#1. ASK for what you want. Let’s be clear: subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Obvious hints don’t work. PLEASE JUST ASK!...And if you need to, ASK TWICE!
#1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Conversations are NOT required to answer a question.
#1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want us to solve it. This is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
#1. Anything we said 6-months ago or longer are inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null & void after seven (7) days.
#1. If you think you’re fat, you just may be. You are a better judge of your shape than we are. This also falls under the category of “If you don’t really want the honest answer, don’t ask us the question.”
#1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and the way we said it makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.
#1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. NOT BOTH. If you already know the best way to do it, then do it yourself. Save an argument.
#1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
#1. All men see in only 16 colors. Kind of like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And we have no idea what fucking color mauve is.
#1. If a body part itches, we WILL scratch it. It is another thing we do. And it’s usually fun.
#1. If we ask you, “what is wrong?”, we will act as if nothing is wrong. We KNOW you’re lying, but it’s not worth the hassle.
#1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, then expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
#1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking unless you’re prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, football, basketball, how are fantasy sports team is doing, or how much our boss is fucking us over at work.
#1. Yes, you have enough clothes.
#1. Yes, you have enough shoes.
#1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.
#1. Thank you for reading this. Yes I know I’m sleeping on the couch tonight. But you know what, we men don’t really mind that. It’s kind of like camping.
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. Get back to work.
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