’Twas The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
And for those of you with children, always remember and NEVER forget:
Assembly is always freaking required…and…
Batteries are never fucking included.
Talk to you after the new year.
Peace.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Meet the new boss...
Obama Wins Election
You know, I had though up some really funny stuff about the election, but forgot about all of it. I do, however, have some free advice for President-elect Obama, his cabinet, & the Democratic majority:
DON’T FUCK IT UP!
Obviously only time will tell if Obamas’ ideas & policies will turn the mess created by Dumm-ya and his gang of war profiteers around. It’s obviously not going to happen overnight either, but you can guarantee that the Republicans (meaning most of those in the media and Congress) will be raising hell by January 21st (January 20th is inauguration day). I’m wondering when a Whitewater-esque investigation will start. You know the right-wingers will try something.
Quite a few of these people are already screaming about how the “Communists” and “Socialists” have won the election. What do these morons think is going to happen, the hammer and sickle will be flying over the White House on January 21? Here’s what I have to say about that: Go the fuck to Canada then, eh? If you don’t like who’s in charge then feel free to take yourself somewhere else. Although, as far as presidents go, you know what other president was accused of being a Socialist by his detractors? Franklin Delano Roosevelt
I read an article recently where gun sales increased 15% or more in October. The reason? Because Obama is in favor of certain gun control laws. I don’t know what laws they are and I don’t particularly give a crap either, but do these NRA/anti-gun law/”I need an automatic weapon to go hunt deer” people think that on January 21 the ATF is going to knock on their door to take their guns? Unfortunately they do. Freaking relax Elmer, any gun control law Obama may support will take a while to pass so you can still have your automatic weapons to go shoot Bambi or whatever armed furry animal you need the firepower to kill. Just don’t spoil the meat.
Oh, and as an FYI…I’m not really a believer in these anti-gun laws because they address the wrong problem. These laws mostly affect those who actually buy and use their guns legally – they don’t stop those weapons that are sold/purchased/used illegally. Like Chris Rock says…Make the guns legal, just charge $5000 per bullet and you’ll see illegal guns and murder rates go way down. He just says it funnier than I do.
---------------------------
John McCain
I almost felt sorry for McCain towards the end of the campaign. This is a man who has spent the better part of the last 40 or so years serving his country either in the military or in the senate, and he gets spanked in the election. I can’t bring myself to feel totally sorry for him because he brought his defeat on himself.
First of all, he’s a moderate Republican who had to pretend that he was conservative. Wrong play there. He should’ve stuck with what he does best.
Second…he was a victim of dirty ads about his health, among other things, by the Bush campaign (led by slime master Karl Rove) back in 2000 ultimately costing him the nomination. Then when the Bush campaign was sliming John Kerry in 2004, McCain stood up and spoke out against those ads. This year, he used them against Obama constantly causing voters such as myself to use it against him.
And just to be fair, I know Obama and the Democrats played dirty too, it just seemed to me that their ads weren’t as nasty.
McCain’s third and most costly mistake was naming Sarah Palin as his running mate. Prior to her nomination, NO ONE outside Alaska and maybe a few Republicans had ever heard of her. She showed absolutely no knowledge of national politics, and immediately started attacking Obama as if he had stolen money from her. I especially like her asking who Obama really was as if we knew nothing about him (He had only been campaigning for over a year at that point). There was also the fact that she knew nothing about how the VP works in the Congress/Senate. Then again I don’t know either, but it’s not my job.
The topper of all this was when she was duped into taking a phone call by 2 radio disc jockeys pretending to be the President of France. She NEVER FIGURED OUT IT WAS A PRANK!!! These guys were using a fake French accent that made them sound worse than Pepe fucking LePew and they had to tell her it was a prank. Un-fucking-believable. Now I’ve been reading in the news than Republicans are ALREADY touting her as a possible presidential nominee in 2012. It ‘s only been 5 days since the election…give it a fucking break already!
---------------------------
In The News
Researchers have found that when mice fart, their blood pressure lowers, leading them to believe that the same could happen for humans. Something the average 15-year old could tell them. Plus someone got paid to figure this shit out.
A 19-year old Englishman has had his name legally changed from George Garret to Captain Fantastic Faster Then Superman Spider-Man Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined because he wanted to be unique. I’m guessing that he’s not only never had sex before, but won’t be in the near future either
---------------------------
Stupid Customer Conversations
I had this conversation recently:
Customer: “I don’t have insurance with you anymore because I cancelled it in May after I gave my car to my son. He has his own insurance and just got into an accident today (November 7). What do I do?”
Me: “You would need to contact his insurance ma’am. The vehicle is not going to be covered by us.”
Customer: But he doesn’t have collision and we still owe money on the car.”
Me: “I’m very sorry but our coverage of your car ended when you cancelled your policy in May. As far as still owing money on the car, you would need to contact the finance company. I’m really sorry but there’s nothing we can do for you.”
Customer: “So you’re not going to help us?”
Me: (BIG inward groan) Ma’am, I’m not even really sure why you called us.”
---------------------------
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. Get back to work.
You know, I had though up some really funny stuff about the election, but forgot about all of it. I do, however, have some free advice for President-elect Obama, his cabinet, & the Democratic majority:
DON’T FUCK IT UP!
Obviously only time will tell if Obamas’ ideas & policies will turn the mess created by Dumm-ya and his gang of war profiteers around. It’s obviously not going to happen overnight either, but you can guarantee that the Republicans (meaning most of those in the media and Congress) will be raising hell by January 21st (January 20th is inauguration day). I’m wondering when a Whitewater-esque investigation will start. You know the right-wingers will try something.
Quite a few of these people are already screaming about how the “Communists” and “Socialists” have won the election. What do these morons think is going to happen, the hammer and sickle will be flying over the White House on January 21? Here’s what I have to say about that: Go the fuck to Canada then, eh? If you don’t like who’s in charge then feel free to take yourself somewhere else. Although, as far as presidents go, you know what other president was accused of being a Socialist by his detractors? Franklin Delano Roosevelt
I read an article recently where gun sales increased 15% or more in October. The reason? Because Obama is in favor of certain gun control laws. I don’t know what laws they are and I don’t particularly give a crap either, but do these NRA/anti-gun law/”I need an automatic weapon to go hunt deer” people think that on January 21 the ATF is going to knock on their door to take their guns? Unfortunately they do. Freaking relax Elmer, any gun control law Obama may support will take a while to pass so you can still have your automatic weapons to go shoot Bambi or whatever armed furry animal you need the firepower to kill. Just don’t spoil the meat.
Oh, and as an FYI…I’m not really a believer in these anti-gun laws because they address the wrong problem. These laws mostly affect those who actually buy and use their guns legally – they don’t stop those weapons that are sold/purchased/used illegally. Like Chris Rock says…Make the guns legal, just charge $5000 per bullet and you’ll see illegal guns and murder rates go way down. He just says it funnier than I do.
John McCain
I almost felt sorry for McCain towards the end of the campaign. This is a man who has spent the better part of the last 40 or so years serving his country either in the military or in the senate, and he gets spanked in the election. I can’t bring myself to feel totally sorry for him because he brought his defeat on himself.
First of all, he’s a moderate Republican who had to pretend that he was conservative. Wrong play there. He should’ve stuck with what he does best.
Second…he was a victim of dirty ads about his health, among other things, by the Bush campaign (led by slime master Karl Rove) back in 2000 ultimately costing him the nomination. Then when the Bush campaign was sliming John Kerry in 2004, McCain stood up and spoke out against those ads. This year, he used them against Obama constantly causing voters such as myself to use it against him.
And just to be fair, I know Obama and the Democrats played dirty too, it just seemed to me that their ads weren’t as nasty.
McCain’s third and most costly mistake was naming Sarah Palin as his running mate. Prior to her nomination, NO ONE outside Alaska and maybe a few Republicans had ever heard of her. She showed absolutely no knowledge of national politics, and immediately started attacking Obama as if he had stolen money from her. I especially like her asking who Obama really was as if we knew nothing about him (He had only been campaigning for over a year at that point). There was also the fact that she knew nothing about how the VP works in the Congress/Senate. Then again I don’t know either, but it’s not my job.
The topper of all this was when she was duped into taking a phone call by 2 radio disc jockeys pretending to be the President of France. She NEVER FIGURED OUT IT WAS A PRANK!!! These guys were using a fake French accent that made them sound worse than Pepe fucking LePew and they had to tell her it was a prank. Un-fucking-believable. Now I’ve been reading in the news than Republicans are ALREADY touting her as a possible presidential nominee in 2012. It ‘s only been 5 days since the election…give it a fucking break already!
In The News
Researchers have found that when mice fart, their blood pressure lowers, leading them to believe that the same could happen for humans. Something the average 15-year old could tell them. Plus someone got paid to figure this shit out.
A 19-year old Englishman has had his name legally changed from George Garret to Captain Fantastic Faster Then Superman Spider-Man Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined because he wanted to be unique. I’m guessing that he’s not only never had sex before, but won’t be in the near future either
Stupid Customer Conversations
I had this conversation recently:
Customer: “I don’t have insurance with you anymore because I cancelled it in May after I gave my car to my son. He has his own insurance and just got into an accident today (November 7). What do I do?”
Me: “You would need to contact his insurance ma’am. The vehicle is not going to be covered by us.”
Customer: But he doesn’t have collision and we still owe money on the car.”
Me: “I’m very sorry but our coverage of your car ended when you cancelled your policy in May. As far as still owing money on the car, you would need to contact the finance company. I’m really sorry but there’s nothing we can do for you.”
Customer: “So you’re not going to help us?”
Me: (BIG inward groan) Ma’am, I’m not even really sure why you called us.”
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. Get back to work.
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Election
Even though it’s nice to make fun of how Obama and McCain are running their campaigns, I’ll be glad when the election is over. Like most of America, I’m tired of all the negative campaign ads being used by both sides. Of course, if McCain wins, then we’ll have four years of picking on Sarah Palin. While this may not be most advantageous to the country, it would give people like myself something to write about, like this little nugget:
At a campaign rally in a small town somewhere in North Carolina (I think), she made the comment about how nice it was to be with people who are “pro-American.” As if implying that if you live in a city or highly populated area, you are not pro-American. It may have been her just playing up to the crowd, but a stupid comment nonetheless.
Anyway, it was good to see that both Obama and McCain actually answered the questions presented to them in the last debate. They may not have given the answers people wanted to hear, but they did answer. Plus, with the election being over it will keep these campaign volunteers on both sides from knocking on my damn door.
Former General Colin Powell has also endorsed Barack Obama for President. It’s an interesting endorsement for Powell, given the fact he has been a declared Republican since 1996 and periodically gives speeches for them. I also don’t remember Powell giving an endorsement to Dumm-ya during the last two elections. I don’t suppose that the fact Obama is black has anything to do with it, does it?
Or am I doing a Rush Limbaugh and talking out my ass?
------------------------------
Spy Pigeons
Iranian authorities captured two pigeons (birds that is) that they believe were “spy” pigeons near the city of Natanz. Natanz is where the Iranian uranium enrichment plant is believed to be located.
The birds were captured with steel bands and invisible string attached to them. No word on what the fate of the birds was. However, I suspect they made a tasty meal for someone.
Also, if the strings were invisible, how did they know they were there? And…they’ll never guess where the spy camera was…
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Phone Conversations
I had this conversations with one of our customers:
Customer: I don’t have my insurance with you and I wanted to let you know that I received mail from your company today. The problem is that it is not addressed to me and the person it is addressed to lives in a town about 50-miles from me. What should I do with the mail?
Me: Um, I would suggest returning it to the post office so that they can forward it to the proper person.
Customer: But why was it delivered to me?
Me: I’m afraid I can’t answer that ma’am.
Customer: But my name isn’t on it, why did I get it?
Me: Again ma’am, I can’t answer for what the postal service does.
I won’t go on further, but trust me when I say that it took me almost 10-fucking minutes to get this woman off my phone.
Of course as my co-worker Jose said, I should’ve told her this is the first known instance of the postal service making a mistake.
Speaking of Jose, he has the easiest name to get right but people ALWAYS get it wrong…for example:
Customer: What is your name?
Jose: Jose…J…O…S…E
Customer: I’ve never heard that name before. Sounds biblical.
Of course when Jose told me this I said that I thought that Jose was one of the lost books of the bible…The Book of Jose.
Jose believes there is a famous quote in the book called Gonzales 3:16.
------------------------------
That’s it for now. Talk to you after the election.
GTF back to work. The ‘Rat has left the building.
Even though it’s nice to make fun of how Obama and McCain are running their campaigns, I’ll be glad when the election is over. Like most of America, I’m tired of all the negative campaign ads being used by both sides. Of course, if McCain wins, then we’ll have four years of picking on Sarah Palin. While this may not be most advantageous to the country, it would give people like myself something to write about, like this little nugget:
At a campaign rally in a small town somewhere in North Carolina (I think), she made the comment about how nice it was to be with people who are “pro-American.” As if implying that if you live in a city or highly populated area, you are not pro-American. It may have been her just playing up to the crowd, but a stupid comment nonetheless.
Anyway, it was good to see that both Obama and McCain actually answered the questions presented to them in the last debate. They may not have given the answers people wanted to hear, but they did answer. Plus, with the election being over it will keep these campaign volunteers on both sides from knocking on my damn door.
Former General Colin Powell has also endorsed Barack Obama for President. It’s an interesting endorsement for Powell, given the fact he has been a declared Republican since 1996 and periodically gives speeches for them. I also don’t remember Powell giving an endorsement to Dumm-ya during the last two elections. I don’t suppose that the fact Obama is black has anything to do with it, does it?
Or am I doing a Rush Limbaugh and talking out my ass?
Spy Pigeons
Iranian authorities captured two pigeons (birds that is) that they believe were “spy” pigeons near the city of Natanz. Natanz is where the Iranian uranium enrichment plant is believed to be located.
The birds were captured with steel bands and invisible string attached to them. No word on what the fate of the birds was. However, I suspect they made a tasty meal for someone.
Also, if the strings were invisible, how did they know they were there? And…they’ll never guess where the spy camera was…
Phone Conversations
I had this conversations with one of our customers:
Customer: I don’t have my insurance with you and I wanted to let you know that I received mail from your company today. The problem is that it is not addressed to me and the person it is addressed to lives in a town about 50-miles from me. What should I do with the mail?
Me: Um, I would suggest returning it to the post office so that they can forward it to the proper person.
Customer: But why was it delivered to me?
Me: I’m afraid I can’t answer that ma’am.
Customer: But my name isn’t on it, why did I get it?
Me: Again ma’am, I can’t answer for what the postal service does.
I won’t go on further, but trust me when I say that it took me almost 10-fucking minutes to get this woman off my phone.
Of course as my co-worker Jose said, I should’ve told her this is the first known instance of the postal service making a mistake.
Speaking of Jose, he has the easiest name to get right but people ALWAYS get it wrong…for example:
Customer: What is your name?
Jose: Jose…J…O…S…E
Customer: I’ve never heard that name before. Sounds biblical.
Of course when Jose told me this I said that I thought that Jose was one of the lost books of the bible…The Book of Jose.
Jose believes there is a famous quote in the book called Gonzales 3:16.
That’s it for now. Talk to you after the election.
GTF back to work. The ‘Rat has left the building.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Presidential Debate
Remember the scene in Braveheart when Stephen the Irish guy wants to know that if he joins William Wallace’ band of rebels if he’ll get to kill the British? During the scene, the questions is avoided until he yells, “Father says to answer the fooking question!”
I tell you that to bring this up…
The third and last presidential debate is being held this coming Wednesday and I’m wondering just one thing.
When are Obama and McCain going to answer the fucking questions from the first two debates?
Every time McCain was asked a question, he’d say “Good question, my friend,” or “I’m glad you asked that question my friend,” or some type of variation. He was obviously trying to “reach out” and be friendly but because he called everyone “my friend”, he sounded very disingenuous.
Once the question was asked, he’d go on long winded explanations about how Obama and/or the Democrats had voted against this or that and taking shots at Obama, then finish by saying, “I know how to fix these things,” or “I have the experience to fix these things,” but would NEVER explain HOW he would fix things. He reminded me of George H.W. Bush in 1988 when he kept saying “a thousand points of light” instead of answering questions.
I was hoping Obama would take advantage of McCain non-answering questions, but he got caught up in either responding to McCain’s jabs or taking his own shots. I felt that after a question, Obama should’ve said, “Great question. Now allow me to not answer it.”
Both buttheads kept going over the 2-minute time limit that they agreed to, greatly annoying the moderator Tom Brokaw. Brokaw politely reminded them about the time frame on several occasions but you could see he was getting fed up with them. I was hoping Tom would snap and smack one or both of them with his shoe the next time one of them went over the time frame.
I have a great solution to keep them from going past the agreed time limit when answering a question. Hire a midget and give him a mallet and when the red light comes on and if the candidate doesn’t stop talking…WHAM! The midget whacks the offender right in the old cojones. If THAT doesn’t shut the candidate up, then nothing will. Of course after such whacking, they’ll have to go to a commercial break.
------------------------------
Politically Correct Insanity
This past weekend, John McCain was asked about the upcoming debate. McCain responded by saying (about Obama) that he’d “whip his you-know-what.” McCain meant, of course, that he’d win the debate. But the politically correct assholes that are in the media automatically made this into a racial statement.
Can we PLEASE dispense with the bullshit and focus on what’s important?
------------------------------
Sperm Donor
In Adelaide, Australia, there are 30 lesbians who’ve had children that have a birthday party and other outings together every year so that their children will know each other. All of the women became pregnant through artificial insemination. Why is this newsworthy?
The sperm used all came from the same donor. Unless you’re a married couple who cannot have children, there is no regulation for the treatment of infertility in Australia.
The mothers of the children hold the get-togethers so that the children will know each other, eliminating future romantic relationships and possible intermarrying.
It doesn’t surprise me that the organization handling this screwed up, but it makes you wonder what kind of life this guy has that he can make all of these “donations.”
------------------------------
That’s all folks. Get back to work.
------------------------------
Remember the scene in Braveheart when Stephen the Irish guy wants to know that if he joins William Wallace’ band of rebels if he’ll get to kill the British? During the scene, the questions is avoided until he yells, “Father says to answer the fooking question!”
I tell you that to bring this up…
The third and last presidential debate is being held this coming Wednesday and I’m wondering just one thing.
When are Obama and McCain going to answer the fucking questions from the first two debates?
Every time McCain was asked a question, he’d say “Good question, my friend,” or “I’m glad you asked that question my friend,” or some type of variation. He was obviously trying to “reach out” and be friendly but because he called everyone “my friend”, he sounded very disingenuous.
Once the question was asked, he’d go on long winded explanations about how Obama and/or the Democrats had voted against this or that and taking shots at Obama, then finish by saying, “I know how to fix these things,” or “I have the experience to fix these things,” but would NEVER explain HOW he would fix things. He reminded me of George H.W. Bush in 1988 when he kept saying “a thousand points of light” instead of answering questions.
I was hoping Obama would take advantage of McCain non-answering questions, but he got caught up in either responding to McCain’s jabs or taking his own shots. I felt that after a question, Obama should’ve said, “Great question. Now allow me to not answer it.”
Both buttheads kept going over the 2-minute time limit that they agreed to, greatly annoying the moderator Tom Brokaw. Brokaw politely reminded them about the time frame on several occasions but you could see he was getting fed up with them. I was hoping Tom would snap and smack one or both of them with his shoe the next time one of them went over the time frame.
I have a great solution to keep them from going past the agreed time limit when answering a question. Hire a midget and give him a mallet and when the red light comes on and if the candidate doesn’t stop talking…WHAM! The midget whacks the offender right in the old cojones. If THAT doesn’t shut the candidate up, then nothing will. Of course after such whacking, they’ll have to go to a commercial break.
Politically Correct Insanity
This past weekend, John McCain was asked about the upcoming debate. McCain responded by saying (about Obama) that he’d “whip his you-know-what.” McCain meant, of course, that he’d win the debate. But the politically correct assholes that are in the media automatically made this into a racial statement.
Can we PLEASE dispense with the bullshit and focus on what’s important?
Sperm Donor
In Adelaide, Australia, there are 30 lesbians who’ve had children that have a birthday party and other outings together every year so that their children will know each other. All of the women became pregnant through artificial insemination. Why is this newsworthy?
The sperm used all came from the same donor. Unless you’re a married couple who cannot have children, there is no regulation for the treatment of infertility in Australia.
The mothers of the children hold the get-togethers so that the children will know each other, eliminating future romantic relationships and possible intermarrying.
It doesn’t surprise me that the organization handling this screwed up, but it makes you wonder what kind of life this guy has that he can make all of these “donations.”
That’s all folks. Get back to work.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Work Conversations
As you know, I work in a call center answering questions about auto insurance. In a previous entry, I wrote about how people are shocked when their premium increases after an accident, speeding ticket or traffic violation. We also handle questions about billing, how much a bill is, when is it due, whatever. Anyway, the following is part of a conversation I had recently with a customer…
Customer: Why do I have to pay a late fee?
Me: Well Mrs. So-and-so, you’re previous bill which was due in August 15th, was not paid until after the due date of September 1st and now a service fee has been added.
Customer: Why was the payment late? I sent it on September 3rd.
Me: We didn’t receive it until September 10th, 9 days after the due date. There are options to avoid late fees in the future. (At this point I explain all of them)
Customer: If I don’t want to pay using those options, how else could I avoid late fees?
Note: at this point, the customer and I have been going in circles on this issue for about 15 minutes
Me: Well Mrs. So-and-so, the only way to avoid late fees is if we receive the payment on time.
Believe it or not, people really are this freaking stupid.
I really wanted to say that late fees are so named for a reason, but I thought that would’ve been over the top.
This is only a marginally stupid question we have to answer…In the future I’ll put some of the really stupid conversations in here.
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More Work Stuff
Like any other job, there are a number of co-workers who aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer.
I handled a call recently where the customer was calling in to make a payment. Her payment was due on 9/28 (or the policy would be cancelled) and she was calling on 10/1 because the rep she spoke with a week earlier told her it would be okay. Now…read that last sentence again. The payment was DUE 9/28 and the rep said it was okay to make the payment AFTER the due date! And to prove she was an idiot, the rep documented this – admitting she told someone to make a payment after it was due.
In the meantime, the customer had been unknowingly driving for 3 days with no insurance. Good service, eh? Fortunately, the customer had not had any accidents and I got the situation corrected (because after all, this IS what the ‘Rat does – makes things better)
Our department is now getting what is called a “Call Escalation Team.” These are people who’ll take calls from rep when a customer wants to speak with a supervisor. Can you see me doing this? I imagine my opening statement would be something like this:
“Hello my name is Al and I’m a supervisor. How can I throw more gas on the fire?”
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Clay Aiken
Clay Aiken, former American Idol winner, came out and admitted that he is, in fact, gay.
Fucking Duh!
Not exactly a secret dude. He says he came out because since he’s had a son (through artificial insemination), he doesn’t want to raise his son thinking it’s okay to lie. Riiiiiiight.
What amazes me is this…many of his fans were shocked, shocked I say, that he is gay. Some news reports even stated that some are so distraught to have been suicidal. Aiken says his own mother didn’t know until he told her. Apparently these people didn’t even suspect.
Are they fucking kidding me? Nobody is THAT freaking stupid. Oops…let me change that. Nobody is THAT freaking naïve. Hmmm…that’s not right either because people ARE that stupid and naive. Oh well, never mind, you get the idea.
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In The News
How to know when you need to lose weight…maybe?
On a British flight recently, there was a couple heavy enough that they had to be repositioned in order for the plane to take off. The report said that their combined weight was about 530-pounds, roughly 265-pounds apiece, leading me to wonder, just how small was the plane that it couldn’t handle 530-pounds on the same side of the plane? And why would anyone, regardless of weight, would want to fly on an airline whose planes couldn’t handle 530-pounds?
-------------------------
That’s all for now. Get back to work
As you know, I work in a call center answering questions about auto insurance. In a previous entry, I wrote about how people are shocked when their premium increases after an accident, speeding ticket or traffic violation. We also handle questions about billing, how much a bill is, when is it due, whatever. Anyway, the following is part of a conversation I had recently with a customer…
Customer: Why do I have to pay a late fee?
Me: Well Mrs. So-and-so, you’re previous bill which was due in August 15th, was not paid until after the due date of September 1st and now a service fee has been added.
Customer: Why was the payment late? I sent it on September 3rd.
Me: We didn’t receive it until September 10th, 9 days after the due date. There are options to avoid late fees in the future. (At this point I explain all of them)
Customer: If I don’t want to pay using those options, how else could I avoid late fees?
Note: at this point, the customer and I have been going in circles on this issue for about 15 minutes
Me: Well Mrs. So-and-so, the only way to avoid late fees is if we receive the payment on time.
Believe it or not, people really are this freaking stupid.
I really wanted to say that late fees are so named for a reason, but I thought that would’ve been over the top.
This is only a marginally stupid question we have to answer…In the future I’ll put some of the really stupid conversations in here.
More Work Stuff
Like any other job, there are a number of co-workers who aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer.
I handled a call recently where the customer was calling in to make a payment. Her payment was due on 9/28 (or the policy would be cancelled) and she was calling on 10/1 because the rep she spoke with a week earlier told her it would be okay. Now…read that last sentence again. The payment was DUE 9/28 and the rep said it was okay to make the payment AFTER the due date! And to prove she was an idiot, the rep documented this – admitting she told someone to make a payment after it was due.
In the meantime, the customer had been unknowingly driving for 3 days with no insurance. Good service, eh? Fortunately, the customer had not had any accidents and I got the situation corrected (because after all, this IS what the ‘Rat does – makes things better)
Our department is now getting what is called a “Call Escalation Team.” These are people who’ll take calls from rep when a customer wants to speak with a supervisor. Can you see me doing this? I imagine my opening statement would be something like this:
“Hello my name is Al and I’m a supervisor. How can I throw more gas on the fire?”
Clay Aiken
Clay Aiken, former American Idol winner, came out and admitted that he is, in fact, gay.
Fucking Duh!
Not exactly a secret dude. He says he came out because since he’s had a son (through artificial insemination), he doesn’t want to raise his son thinking it’s okay to lie. Riiiiiiight.
What amazes me is this…many of his fans were shocked, shocked I say, that he is gay. Some news reports even stated that some are so distraught to have been suicidal. Aiken says his own mother didn’t know until he told her. Apparently these people didn’t even suspect.
Are they fucking kidding me? Nobody is THAT freaking stupid. Oops…let me change that. Nobody is THAT freaking naïve. Hmmm…that’s not right either because people ARE that stupid and naive. Oh well, never mind, you get the idea.
In The News
How to know when you need to lose weight…maybe?
On a British flight recently, there was a couple heavy enough that they had to be repositioned in order for the plane to take off. The report said that their combined weight was about 530-pounds, roughly 265-pounds apiece, leading me to wonder, just how small was the plane that it couldn’t handle 530-pounds on the same side of the plane? And why would anyone, regardless of weight, would want to fly on an airline whose planes couldn’t handle 530-pounds?
That’s all for now. Get back to work
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Signs You’re Getting Older – the Guy Version
As you walk into a building (it could be anywhere), and you pass by an attractive young woman who holds the door for you and when you thank her, she says, “You’re welcome, sir.”
Or…
Your nose hair grows long enough to look like it’s part of your moustache.
Or…
Not only do you start sprouting hair in your ears, but it’s also grey.
------------------------------
The Election
McCain & Palin or Obama & Biden. The old, cranky guy with the shotgun-packing right-winger or the younger, inexperienced guy with the loose cannon. Great choices for president, eh? Kind of like having to choose between the gas chamber and lethal injection.
Truth be known, I probably would’ve voted for McCain before he picked Palin, but now I have to re-think that choice. First, I figured that anyone who can survive the Hanoi Hilton for five years can have my vote, but he’s also the closest to being bi-partisan than any other Republican I can think of. Then he went and picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate…obviously he picked her because her views are more right-wing than his and she can draw not only the extreme right-wing nut jobs, but maybe a lot of the female vote too. Because of McCain’s age, it worries me that the possible second-in-command is someone who appears to have no idea about foreign policy & has even less experience in government than his opponent. She is easy on the eyeballs though, which makes me wonder how many votes McCain will get based on that.
I liked how the McCain camp got hot and bothered about Obamas’ “Lipstick on a pig” statement. If anyone who has a brain (which leaves most right-wingers out) even bothered to look into the issue, they’d would’ve known that Obama was talking about how the GOP tries to dress up, pretend they’re for the people, but want to keep things business as usual. And it appears that the tactic the GOP used to get people pissed off about nothing worked, because Obama slipped in the polls right after he made his statement. Of course, talking about stupid shit is also a CLASSIC tactic by the GOP to avoid talking about real issues that concern people.
Having said all that, it’s not a bad idea for the GOP talk about non-issues, because as I’ve said in the past, we’re a nation of idiots who vote for people based on sound bites. Most people vote based on the fact that a politician supports one thing that they’re interested in and they don’t investigate where they stand on ALL the issues.
Newsweek had an interesting online article called In Search of Rational Voters that covers in more depth what I’m talking about.
Also, Anna Quindlen had what I think is a great article about the hypocrisy of the GOP when it comes the women’s movement called Can You Say “Sexist?”
------------------------------
Mickey Mouse, Tool of Satan?
According to Sheikh Muhammad Munajid he is. Munajid, a former Saudi diplomat in Washington, D.C., said in an interview on Arab T.V. that, "Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases." This was in response was to a question asking him about Muslim teaching on mice.
Mr. Munajid feels the same way about Jerry of Tom and Jerry fame.
See, I’m not the only one who thinks Disney is trying to poison the mind of our youths.
------------------------------
In The News
Don Gorske, a 54-year old man with obsessive-compulsive behavior, says that his behavior has caused him to eat 23,000 Big Macs since 1972. He even has documentation of this “feat” because he’s kept all the receipts too. The only day he hasn’t had a Big Mac was the day of his mother’s funeral, at her request.
No word on what his cardiogram looks like.
Sean Combs (I refuse to call a grown man “Puffy” or “Diddy”), music “producer” and maker of really ugly clothes, has admitted that he can no longer afford to fly in his own private jet because the cost of fuel is too costly. He appealed to his “brothers” in the oil producing nations to lower oil prices so he won’t have to fly coach with the common people.
Boo-fucking hoo. And would somebody, anybody, please tell me just what this asshole did to become rich AND newsworthy? PLEASE?
Rapper Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr., aka Snoop Dogg, was granted a visa to enter Australia earlier this month. Mr. Broadus was refused permission to merely apply for a visa in 2007 when he wanted to attend the MTV Australia Video Music Awards.
The reason Mr. Broadus had been refused to apply in the past by Australia’s former conservative government was because his “lyrics” (their words, not mine) were sexist and racist. Well fucking DUH! He’s a male rapper…what ELSE are his “lyrics” supposed to be about?
But anyway, they have a new government, which has softened their immigrations laws. Mr. Broadus has to do charity work with at-risk youths in the country and is subject to deportation if he fails to abide by the law during his visit.
Actor Russell Crowe wrote a letter to the government asking them to allow Mr. Broadus a visa because Mr. Crowe knows a thing or two about social behavior and following rules.
------------------------------
That’s all there is, there ain’t no more. The Dograt has left the building.
As you walk into a building (it could be anywhere), and you pass by an attractive young woman who holds the door for you and when you thank her, she says, “You’re welcome, sir.”
Or…
Your nose hair grows long enough to look like it’s part of your moustache.
Or…
Not only do you start sprouting hair in your ears, but it’s also grey.
The Election
McCain & Palin or Obama & Biden. The old, cranky guy with the shotgun-packing right-winger or the younger, inexperienced guy with the loose cannon. Great choices for president, eh? Kind of like having to choose between the gas chamber and lethal injection.
Truth be known, I probably would’ve voted for McCain before he picked Palin, but now I have to re-think that choice. First, I figured that anyone who can survive the Hanoi Hilton for five years can have my vote, but he’s also the closest to being bi-partisan than any other Republican I can think of. Then he went and picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate…obviously he picked her because her views are more right-wing than his and she can draw not only the extreme right-wing nut jobs, but maybe a lot of the female vote too. Because of McCain’s age, it worries me that the possible second-in-command is someone who appears to have no idea about foreign policy & has even less experience in government than his opponent. She is easy on the eyeballs though, which makes me wonder how many votes McCain will get based on that.
I liked how the McCain camp got hot and bothered about Obamas’ “Lipstick on a pig” statement. If anyone who has a brain (which leaves most right-wingers out) even bothered to look into the issue, they’d would’ve known that Obama was talking about how the GOP tries to dress up, pretend they’re for the people, but want to keep things business as usual. And it appears that the tactic the GOP used to get people pissed off about nothing worked, because Obama slipped in the polls right after he made his statement. Of course, talking about stupid shit is also a CLASSIC tactic by the GOP to avoid talking about real issues that concern people.
Having said all that, it’s not a bad idea for the GOP talk about non-issues, because as I’ve said in the past, we’re a nation of idiots who vote for people based on sound bites. Most people vote based on the fact that a politician supports one thing that they’re interested in and they don’t investigate where they stand on ALL the issues.
Newsweek had an interesting online article called In Search of Rational Voters that covers in more depth what I’m talking about.
Also, Anna Quindlen had what I think is a great article about the hypocrisy of the GOP when it comes the women’s movement called Can You Say “Sexist?”
Mickey Mouse, Tool of Satan?
According to Sheikh Muhammad Munajid he is. Munajid, a former Saudi diplomat in Washington, D.C., said in an interview on Arab T.V. that, "Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases." This was in response was to a question asking him about Muslim teaching on mice.
Mr. Munajid feels the same way about Jerry of Tom and Jerry fame.
See, I’m not the only one who thinks Disney is trying to poison the mind of our youths.
In The News
Don Gorske, a 54-year old man with obsessive-compulsive behavior, says that his behavior has caused him to eat 23,000 Big Macs since 1972. He even has documentation of this “feat” because he’s kept all the receipts too. The only day he hasn’t had a Big Mac was the day of his mother’s funeral, at her request.
No word on what his cardiogram looks like.
Sean Combs (I refuse to call a grown man “Puffy” or “Diddy”), music “producer” and maker of really ugly clothes, has admitted that he can no longer afford to fly in his own private jet because the cost of fuel is too costly. He appealed to his “brothers” in the oil producing nations to lower oil prices so he won’t have to fly coach with the common people.
Boo-fucking hoo. And would somebody, anybody, please tell me just what this asshole did to become rich AND newsworthy? PLEASE?
Rapper Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr., aka Snoop Dogg, was granted a visa to enter Australia earlier this month. Mr. Broadus was refused permission to merely apply for a visa in 2007 when he wanted to attend the MTV Australia Video Music Awards.
The reason Mr. Broadus had been refused to apply in the past by Australia’s former conservative government was because his “lyrics” (their words, not mine) were sexist and racist. Well fucking DUH! He’s a male rapper…what ELSE are his “lyrics” supposed to be about?
But anyway, they have a new government, which has softened their immigrations laws. Mr. Broadus has to do charity work with at-risk youths in the country and is subject to deportation if he fails to abide by the law during his visit.
Actor Russell Crowe wrote a letter to the government asking them to allow Mr. Broadus a visa because Mr. Crowe knows a thing or two about social behavior and following rules.
That’s all there is, there ain’t no more. The Dograt has left the building.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Satire: sat-ire [sat-ahy-ur]
-noun
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule or the like in exposing, denouncing or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
A person who works with my wife told me that she enjoyed reading my blog, especially the satire. Satire? I just thought I was being an over-opinionated asshole who was putting semi-coherent thoughts on the web. But it turns out that I was writing satire! I’m being satirical! I had no idea.
------------------------------
In the News
A black bear in Utah that kept “raiding” a large marijuana farm forced its owners to abandon it. The county sheriff is quoted as saying his county is so law enforcement mind that even the wildlife wants to get in on the action.
No word on whether the bear has been raiding the local Twinkie population.
------------------------------
Stupid Surveys
I recently heard about a survey that was conducted by a music web site (sorry I don’t remember the name) that had to do with asking what dead rock star would you like to see come back to do one final show. The Top 5 results were:
#5 - Jimi Hendrix
#4 - John Lennon
#3 - Elvis Presley
#2 – Freddie Mercury
And the #1 dead rock star people would like to see come back and do one more show:
John Bonham
That’s right; John Bonham!
I’m convinced that the people who took this survey were seriously stoned. Granting that surveys like this only give people something to argue about, but people would rather see John freaking Bonham over Elvis, John Lennon AND Jimi Hendrix? I even find it hard to believe that Freddie Mercury finished ahead of those three. Proof there’s no accounting for intelligence.
------------------------------
Speaking of Stupidity
For those who don’t know, I work for an auto insurance company taking calls from customers who have questions. The people who have the policies I deal with are all AARP members, meaning they’re all over the age of 50.
And let me tell you, there’s nothing like listening to 50+-year-old people whining about their auto insurance.
For example, during a call recently, I was explaining to woman that the reason her and her husband’s policy premium increased was because of the speeding ticket her husband received. The man had received a ticket for doing 45 mph in a 25 mph zone. This woman’s response, and I quote, “It’s not like he was doing 70.” And she was pissed that their premium went up. What I really wanted to tell this idiot was that her husband was lucky not to have been charged with reckless driving ‘cause I’m sure the cop knocked the speed the guy was actually driving down.
This type of behavior is not even remotely unusual I’m sorry to say. From the first DAY people get their learning permit, it is known that if you get a traffic/speeding ticket OR get into an accident, you’re insurance premium will go up. These people think that because they haven’t had an accident or a ticket for since the Model T was popular that they shouldn’t be charged for them when they get them. They conveniently forget that they’ve been paying lower rates for years because they’d had good driving records
Of course none of the tickets are deserved and none of the accidents are their fault. I don’t know why I’m surprised at the stupidity of people; I guess I keep hoping it gets better.
More on these morons as things develop.
------------------------------
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. GTF back to work.
-noun
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule or the like in exposing, denouncing or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
A person who works with my wife told me that she enjoyed reading my blog, especially the satire. Satire? I just thought I was being an over-opinionated asshole who was putting semi-coherent thoughts on the web. But it turns out that I was writing satire! I’m being satirical! I had no idea.
------------------------------
In the News
A black bear in Utah that kept “raiding” a large marijuana farm forced its owners to abandon it. The county sheriff is quoted as saying his county is so law enforcement mind that even the wildlife wants to get in on the action.
No word on whether the bear has been raiding the local Twinkie population.
------------------------------
Stupid Surveys
I recently heard about a survey that was conducted by a music web site (sorry I don’t remember the name) that had to do with asking what dead rock star would you like to see come back to do one final show. The Top 5 results were:
#5 - Jimi Hendrix
#4 - John Lennon
#3 - Elvis Presley
#2 – Freddie Mercury
And the #1 dead rock star people would like to see come back and do one more show:
John Bonham
That’s right; John Bonham!
I’m convinced that the people who took this survey were seriously stoned. Granting that surveys like this only give people something to argue about, but people would rather see John freaking Bonham over Elvis, John Lennon AND Jimi Hendrix? I even find it hard to believe that Freddie Mercury finished ahead of those three. Proof there’s no accounting for intelligence.
------------------------------
Speaking of Stupidity
For those who don’t know, I work for an auto insurance company taking calls from customers who have questions. The people who have the policies I deal with are all AARP members, meaning they’re all over the age of 50.
And let me tell you, there’s nothing like listening to 50+-year-old people whining about their auto insurance.
For example, during a call recently, I was explaining to woman that the reason her and her husband’s policy premium increased was because of the speeding ticket her husband received. The man had received a ticket for doing 45 mph in a 25 mph zone. This woman’s response, and I quote, “It’s not like he was doing 70.” And she was pissed that their premium went up. What I really wanted to tell this idiot was that her husband was lucky not to have been charged with reckless driving ‘cause I’m sure the cop knocked the speed the guy was actually driving down.
This type of behavior is not even remotely unusual I’m sorry to say. From the first DAY people get their learning permit, it is known that if you get a traffic/speeding ticket OR get into an accident, you’re insurance premium will go up. These people think that because they haven’t had an accident or a ticket for since the Model T was popular that they shouldn’t be charged for them when they get them. They conveniently forget that they’ve been paying lower rates for years because they’d had good driving records
Of course none of the tickets are deserved and none of the accidents are their fault. I don’t know why I’m surprised at the stupidity of people; I guess I keep hoping it gets better.
More on these morons as things develop.
------------------------------
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. GTF back to work.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Movie Review
If you haven’t seen The Dark Knight yet, then wtf are you waiting for? The plot is a little convoluted if you’re not a Batman fan, but can be followed. Too bad Heath Ledger was dumb enough to take all those pills; it would’ve been nice to see him do a sequel.
------------------------------
Fuzzbusters
Everyone knows what a fuzzbuster is right? It’s a nickname for a radar detector. Anyway, I was reading an article in Newsweek recently that talked about how sophisticated and diverse radar detectors were becoming.
Radar detectors are now not only detecting radar, but some of them are also detecting photo-enforcement areas. (Those are those areas where the local law enforcement have camera taking pictures of your license plate incase you do something wrong). Some of the more sophisticated models will warn you if you are when you are approaching such areas so you don’t try to run red lights. Other units have databases that will warn you if you are approaching “high risk” areas, places where accidents frequently occur. Finally, and this really twists my testes, there are those that will also warn you if an emergency vehicle is nearby, or when you are in a school zone!
Are they fucking kidding me? Here’s how you tell if you’re entering a school zone – pay attention to the fucking signs!! I haven’t entered a school zone yet that didn’t have a four-foot high sign announcing the fact. As far as detecting emergency vehicles, don’t the fucking sirens give it away? How about people stop talking on their cell phones or worrying about what XM the want, and stop buying and using stupid, unnecessary toys and pay attention to what’s going on around them while their driving.
------------------------------
Work Dress Code
My company has a pretty liberal dress code, we can wear jeans every day if we choose, sneakers, they have shorts & t-shirts days, etc. One thing that’s not allowed, unless it’s a designated day are hooded sweatshirts. Presumably this is because they do not lend to a professional look.
Having said that, our company is also the type that likes to crank the air conditioning to levels that would be better suited to chilling beer. To allow the women (and sorry ladies, y’all are always the one who are cold) to keep warm, the company allows people to keep and wrap themselves with blankets. One person even has a purple bathrobe she keeps at her desk. It just occurred to me recently, how does allowing people to wear bathrobes or wrap themselves up like a reservation Indian sitting in front of a cigar store look professional? Why not just allow sweatshirts, hooded or not?
Or is it just me who thinks this is a silly rule?
------------------------------
White Guys Dressing Badly
I recently saw a 40-year oldish white guy in my local Wawa (and we all know Wawa is an Indian word for “sells lots of coffee and cigarettes”) who was wearing black sneakers, black nylon socks, tan shorts, sleeveless t-shirt, baseball hat on backwards, Blues Brothers sunglasses, a 2-day growth of beard, AND he had no chest to speak of with a beer belly. He thought he was a hip urban dude and had it going on.
The things you see when you don’t have low yield nuclear device.
------------------------------
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. Now get back to work.
If you haven’t seen The Dark Knight yet, then wtf are you waiting for? The plot is a little convoluted if you’re not a Batman fan, but can be followed. Too bad Heath Ledger was dumb enough to take all those pills; it would’ve been nice to see him do a sequel.
Fuzzbusters
Everyone knows what a fuzzbuster is right? It’s a nickname for a radar detector. Anyway, I was reading an article in Newsweek recently that talked about how sophisticated and diverse radar detectors were becoming.
Radar detectors are now not only detecting radar, but some of them are also detecting photo-enforcement areas. (Those are those areas where the local law enforcement have camera taking pictures of your license plate incase you do something wrong). Some of the more sophisticated models will warn you if you are when you are approaching such areas so you don’t try to run red lights. Other units have databases that will warn you if you are approaching “high risk” areas, places where accidents frequently occur. Finally, and this really twists my testes, there are those that will also warn you if an emergency vehicle is nearby, or when you are in a school zone!
Are they fucking kidding me? Here’s how you tell if you’re entering a school zone – pay attention to the fucking signs!! I haven’t entered a school zone yet that didn’t have a four-foot high sign announcing the fact. As far as detecting emergency vehicles, don’t the fucking sirens give it away? How about people stop talking on their cell phones or worrying about what XM the want, and stop buying and using stupid, unnecessary toys and pay attention to what’s going on around them while their driving.
Work Dress Code
My company has a pretty liberal dress code, we can wear jeans every day if we choose, sneakers, they have shorts & t-shirts days, etc. One thing that’s not allowed, unless it’s a designated day are hooded sweatshirts. Presumably this is because they do not lend to a professional look.
Having said that, our company is also the type that likes to crank the air conditioning to levels that would be better suited to chilling beer. To allow the women (and sorry ladies, y’all are always the one who are cold) to keep warm, the company allows people to keep and wrap themselves with blankets. One person even has a purple bathrobe she keeps at her desk. It just occurred to me recently, how does allowing people to wear bathrobes or wrap themselves up like a reservation Indian sitting in front of a cigar store look professional? Why not just allow sweatshirts, hooded or not?
Or is it just me who thinks this is a silly rule?
White Guys Dressing Badly
I recently saw a 40-year oldish white guy in my local Wawa (and we all know Wawa is an Indian word for “sells lots of coffee and cigarettes”) who was wearing black sneakers, black nylon socks, tan shorts, sleeveless t-shirt, baseball hat on backwards, Blues Brothers sunglasses, a 2-day growth of beard, AND he had no chest to speak of with a beer belly. He thought he was a hip urban dude and had it going on.
The things you see when you don’t have low yield nuclear device.
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. Now get back to work.
Monday, July 7, 2008
At the Movies
If you haven’t already gone to see it, go see Get Smart. Now. Without delay.
It is hilarious and best of all, it has Anne Hathaway in it, and she is an absolute hot-tay.
The best thing about it is the fact that Steve Carrell didn’t try to play Maxwell Smart like Don Adams.
-----------------------------------
From the “I can’t see how this idea will be a problem” files
The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, in all of its infinite wisdom, is now issuing license plates to those who request them with the slogan, Choose Life, printed across the bottom.
According to the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles, that is) this is allowed because the Right to Life organization is registered as a non-profit organization. The DMV further states that the Right to Choose people (or whatever their organization is named) is also registered as a non-profit group and is working on their slogan for a license plate.
Yeah. You can see this idea going to hell in a handbasket in a fucking hurry, can’t you?
First, given how psychotic the RTL (Right to Life) people are, can’t you just see one of those nuts pulling out a gun on highway and taking a few shots at someone who has a “Right to Choose” plate?
And, can’t you just see one of these other great alternative organizations like say, oh I don’t know, the freaking KKK suing the state so THEY can have their own little slogan on a license plate? Although I do have to admit that thinking of those possibilities is amusing. Maybe Bill from Long Island or DCV in Longmont or some of you can think of some.
Maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all. If we can get enough of these idiots to wear their politics on their license plates, it might thin out the herd. Or at least traffic.
-----------------------------------
Gay Marriage…again
You know its election time when the subject of gay marriage becomes a Presidential election issue.
Why do we have to go though this election after election, year after year? And why we have to make laws about it? Are there any laws prohibiting gay (or if you want to be politically correct same-sex) marriages?
No. What we have, and what the right wing Neanderthals use as a club, is that in the Old Testament of the Bible (which we all know is NEVER wrong), that says the only true union is between a man and a woman. Do you know why it says that? Because when the Old Testament was written (and it was written by Jews btw), the human race was only 3 days removed from swinging in the fucking tress like a goddamn monkey and we were running around boinking goats, monkey and other assorted freaking mammals!!! The religious people in charge were looking around going, “Oy Vey, something has to be done about this!”, and the next thing you know, BAM…the Old Testament is saying that only men and women can be married.
Let’s just make it simple. Let gays get married. Why should the heterosexuals be the only ones miserable?
-----------------------------------
My Blog Profile
It has been brought to my attention by Joe from the gas station, that in my profile I mention my interests are my daughter’s softball team and staying out of trouble. He graciously pointed out that watching a girl’s softball team and staying out of trouble is giving people like himself too much fodder to use against me. I’m afraid he is correct. These statements should NOT and NEVER be used in the same sentence or paragraph together.
Of course only a perverted butthead would make something innocent like that perveted, but, alas, that why I like Joe.
And it would be nice if he got his lazy ass in gear and wrote Hisblog for a change.
-----------------------------------
Ed Cahoon…please pick up the courtesy phone. Ed Cahoon, please pick up the courtesy phone…and send me your e-mail address!
-----------------------------------
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. GTF back to work.
If you haven’t already gone to see it, go see Get Smart. Now. Without delay.
It is hilarious and best of all, it has Anne Hathaway in it, and she is an absolute hot-tay.
The best thing about it is the fact that Steve Carrell didn’t try to play Maxwell Smart like Don Adams.
From the “I can’t see how this idea will be a problem” files
The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, in all of its infinite wisdom, is now issuing license plates to those who request them with the slogan, Choose Life, printed across the bottom.
According to the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles, that is) this is allowed because the Right to Life organization is registered as a non-profit organization. The DMV further states that the Right to Choose people (or whatever their organization is named) is also registered as a non-profit group and is working on their slogan for a license plate.
Yeah. You can see this idea going to hell in a handbasket in a fucking hurry, can’t you?
First, given how psychotic the RTL (Right to Life) people are, can’t you just see one of those nuts pulling out a gun on highway and taking a few shots at someone who has a “Right to Choose” plate?
And, can’t you just see one of these other great alternative organizations like say, oh I don’t know, the freaking KKK suing the state so THEY can have their own little slogan on a license plate? Although I do have to admit that thinking of those possibilities is amusing. Maybe Bill from Long Island or DCV in Longmont or some of you can think of some.
Maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all. If we can get enough of these idiots to wear their politics on their license plates, it might thin out the herd. Or at least traffic.
Gay Marriage…again
You know its election time when the subject of gay marriage becomes a Presidential election issue.
Why do we have to go though this election after election, year after year? And why we have to make laws about it? Are there any laws prohibiting gay (or if you want to be politically correct same-sex) marriages?
No. What we have, and what the right wing Neanderthals use as a club, is that in the Old Testament of the Bible (which we all know is NEVER wrong), that says the only true union is between a man and a woman. Do you know why it says that? Because when the Old Testament was written (and it was written by Jews btw), the human race was only 3 days removed from swinging in the fucking tress like a goddamn monkey and we were running around boinking goats, monkey and other assorted freaking mammals!!! The religious people in charge were looking around going, “Oy Vey, something has to be done about this!”, and the next thing you know, BAM…the Old Testament is saying that only men and women can be married.
Let’s just make it simple. Let gays get married. Why should the heterosexuals be the only ones miserable?
My Blog Profile
It has been brought to my attention by Joe from the gas station, that in my profile I mention my interests are my daughter’s softball team and staying out of trouble. He graciously pointed out that watching a girl’s softball team and staying out of trouble is giving people like himself too much fodder to use against me. I’m afraid he is correct. These statements should NOT and NEVER be used in the same sentence or paragraph together.
Of course only a perverted butthead would make something innocent like that perveted, but, alas, that why I like Joe.
And it would be nice if he got his lazy ass in gear and wrote Hisblog for a change.
Ed Cahoon…please pick up the courtesy phone. Ed Cahoon, please pick up the courtesy phone…and send me your e-mail address!
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. GTF back to work.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Presidential Election
Well, it’s that time again. Time to elect a new leader. I’m not too excited about our choices either. On one hand, we have a semi-elderly Republican (or is that an oxymoron?) who may actually know what he’s doing (and would that be nice for a change) and on the other, a young, black Democrat who appears to be very inexperienced to do this job. Of course inexperience didn’t stop Dumm-ya. Ok, bad example.
How come in beauty pageants and realty shows where you can vote for who you want to win, you get multiple choices but when it come to selecting who (or is that whom?) you want to be the head of your country you only get one of two options? This is like going to a restaurant and being told you can have either the chicken or the chicken.
Oh well, more to come on this debacle in the future.
-----------------------------------
Indiana Jones
It’s been 19 years. It cost millions to make. One of the most anticipated sequels ever.
And this was the best lame-ass story line Steven Spielberg could come up with? What a waste. Of course Spielberg’s laughing all the way to the bank, so what do I know?
-----------------------------------
Knuckleheads in the News
A group of teenagers in North Carolina were having a sleepover and as will happen, the topic of conversation turned to sex. The mother of the young man who was hosting the sleepover and a friend of hers overheard the conversation and decided to join in. One thing led to another and a few of the young men were, to put it delicately (and we know the ‘Rat is ALL about being delicate), serviced in various ways by the mom and her friend. Our young host was not in the room at the time and did not witness the proceedings.
Anyway…everyone was happy until one of the young gentlemen was so overcome (no pun intended) by guilt that he told his parents about what happened and needless to say, the two women are being charged with whatever it is that people get charged for in this situation.
There is only one possible thing you can say to the young man who ratted everybody out.
Wait for it…
ARE YOU TOTALLY IN-FUCKING-SANE!?!?!
This is the absolute CLOSEST you will ever get to hitting the lottery and you felt guilty!? Jesus Tap-dancing Christ! This is a once in a fucking lifetime experience! NOTHING like this will EVER happen again to you in your miserable lifetime and you felt GUILTY?!? What are you trying to be, the POPE?
When I was a teenager I would’ve gladly given 10 years off the end of my life for something like this to happen. I’m sure this applies to just about every heterosexual male out there as well.
Un-fucking-believable.
-----------------------------------
Snakes in the News
Did you know that poisonous snakes do not always inject their venom when they bite? And did you know that the Australian Brown Snake is the deadliest snake in the world.
I told you those two facts to tell you this story…
It seems there was a gentleman traveling through the outback of Australia when he had to answer the call of nature. Well, as the gentleman crouched down to do his business; he failed to notice that there was an Australian Brown Snake nearby. Once “settled” in, so to speak, the snake slithered in between his feet and bit the poor gentleman on his danglies. The gentleman was able to drive himself an unknown distance to the nearest medical facility, where, the snake was removed and the gentleman’s equipment was repaired. Fortunately for the unnamed man, the snake did not inject any venom or he would’ve been dead before he had reached his car.
Now THAT’S what I call a trouser snake.
-----------------------------------
NEWS FLASH!!!
This just in…The Dograt’s wife actually said that he was right about something today. The ‘Rat was not available for comment since he immediately fainted after hearing this declaration.
-----------------------------------
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. GTF back to work.
Well, it’s that time again. Time to elect a new leader. I’m not too excited about our choices either. On one hand, we have a semi-elderly Republican (or is that an oxymoron?) who may actually know what he’s doing (and would that be nice for a change) and on the other, a young, black Democrat who appears to be very inexperienced to do this job. Of course inexperience didn’t stop Dumm-ya. Ok, bad example.
How come in beauty pageants and realty shows where you can vote for who you want to win, you get multiple choices but when it come to selecting who (or is that whom?) you want to be the head of your country you only get one of two options? This is like going to a restaurant and being told you can have either the chicken or the chicken.
Oh well, more to come on this debacle in the future.
Indiana Jones
It’s been 19 years. It cost millions to make. One of the most anticipated sequels ever.
And this was the best lame-ass story line Steven Spielberg could come up with? What a waste. Of course Spielberg’s laughing all the way to the bank, so what do I know?
Knuckleheads in the News
A group of teenagers in North Carolina were having a sleepover and as will happen, the topic of conversation turned to sex. The mother of the young man who was hosting the sleepover and a friend of hers overheard the conversation and decided to join in. One thing led to another and a few of the young men were, to put it delicately (and we know the ‘Rat is ALL about being delicate), serviced in various ways by the mom and her friend. Our young host was not in the room at the time and did not witness the proceedings.
Anyway…everyone was happy until one of the young gentlemen was so overcome (no pun intended) by guilt that he told his parents about what happened and needless to say, the two women are being charged with whatever it is that people get charged for in this situation.
There is only one possible thing you can say to the young man who ratted everybody out.
Wait for it…
ARE YOU TOTALLY IN-FUCKING-SANE!?!?!
This is the absolute CLOSEST you will ever get to hitting the lottery and you felt guilty!? Jesus Tap-dancing Christ! This is a once in a fucking lifetime experience! NOTHING like this will EVER happen again to you in your miserable lifetime and you felt GUILTY?!? What are you trying to be, the POPE?
When I was a teenager I would’ve gladly given 10 years off the end of my life for something like this to happen. I’m sure this applies to just about every heterosexual male out there as well.
Un-fucking-believable.
Snakes in the News
Did you know that poisonous snakes do not always inject their venom when they bite? And did you know that the Australian Brown Snake is the deadliest snake in the world.
I told you those two facts to tell you this story…
It seems there was a gentleman traveling through the outback of Australia when he had to answer the call of nature. Well, as the gentleman crouched down to do his business; he failed to notice that there was an Australian Brown Snake nearby. Once “settled” in, so to speak, the snake slithered in between his feet and bit the poor gentleman on his danglies. The gentleman was able to drive himself an unknown distance to the nearest medical facility, where, the snake was removed and the gentleman’s equipment was repaired. Fortunately for the unnamed man, the snake did not inject any venom or he would’ve been dead before he had reached his car.
Now THAT’S what I call a trouser snake.
NEWS FLASH!!!
This just in…The Dograt’s wife actually said that he was right about something today. The ‘Rat was not available for comment since he immediately fainted after hearing this declaration.
This ends the entertainment portion of your day. GTF back to work.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The people have spoken (they ARE out there and they ARE everywhere) and the Dograt has returned. He was on a short sabbatical (3 years) and is now ready to hold forth on world events again. But first, before I go on, here is a...
----- ----- ----- -----
Public Service Announcement (heretofore known as a PSA):
Welcome to Dograt Barks, a semi-informational web log that features the bullshit opinions of the ‘Rat. Before I get started, please read the following disclaimer…
This site details the Dograt and what he cares to divulge or talk about. Most of the dreck he will have me put in here is meant to be taken humorously and is representative of his somewhat warped/sarcastic/self-depreciating humor, personality and opinions.
Please be aware that these opinions belong only to the Dograt and they do not represent the opinions of the author, the authors family, the authors dog, the United States of America, or any other organization I have ever belonged to in the past or any I may belong to in the future.
In addition, let the word go forth from this time and place that the Dograt is NOT associated with any other Dograt, Dog Rat or anyone with a Dograt spelling variation thereof, forthwith and heretofore.
So having said all that...if you don't mind reading the minutiae and the rantings of a possibly mentally unbalanced, not to mention knuckleheaded, person, then feel free to continue reading.
Thank You and I hope I pass the audition.
Oh, one more thing...I frequently use the dreaded F-word in this blog. If profanity offends you in any way…well, get the fuck out.
----- ----- ----- -----
Regarding the F-Bomb
It is has been told that the Dograt was first taught the F-bomb by his Aunt Lois when he was first learning to speak. It is also rumored that the first time the ‘Rat used the word in public, it was in the presence of not only his mother, but 2 or 3 nuns from a local church who happened to be standing nearby, causing his mother great embarrassment. It is unknown if this is the true origin of how the Dograt first learned this dreadful word, but, it does make a decent story.
So as you can see, the ‘Rat was destined to go to hell at a very early age.
Speaking of the F-bomb, have you ever noticed how versatile the it is? It can used as a verb (“They fucked”), as a noun (“You fucker!), as an adjective (“He’s a fucking idiot”), as an expression of exasperation (“Fuck me!”), an expression of anguish (Fuck!) and as an expression of ill boding (“Oh, fuck”). It can also be used to get some attention if you’re in a situation where another person is ignoring you. For example, you might originally ask, “Please pass the ketchup”, and get ignored. But if you say, “Please pass the fucking ketchup”, you’re almost guaranteed to get it. For variety you could also throw in another epithet or two at the end of the sentence for good measure. For example, “Please pass me the fucking ketchup, asshole”, will usually work as well.
TOP TEN TIMES WHEN F WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck did all these Indians come from?" - General Custer
"But, it's so fucking simple!!" - Albert Einstein
"It does SO fucking look like her!" - Pablo Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want me to paint the whole fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo
"I suppose a little fucking rain would be too much to ask?" - Joan of Arc
"Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton
"Scattered fucking showers...my ass." - Noah
----- ----- ----- -----
Reality Shows
Previously, I had written about the superfluous amount of reality shows and their lack of relevance to our lives. Well, sadly, the ’Rat has to admit that he watches two of these show. And admitting something is the first step towards recovery. Anyway...
I watch Top Chef and The Deadliest Catch. I follow Top Chef because of the food. I don’t really care about the people, but I keep hoping that I’ll see something that I might be interested in eating. After two seasons, I haven’t seen anything I’d feed to my dog.
I can’t explain why I watch The Deadliest Catch. It follows 5 Alaskan king crab fishing boats through their fishing season in the Bering Sea. (That’s the sea between Alaska and Russia for those of you who are geographically challenged) The only real drama of the show is whether someone will get washed overboard and then either be rescued or drown, or if the boats meet their catch quotas for the season.
There, I’ve just completed step 1 of the healing process.
Having said all that, I think if we’re going to have reality TV, let’s have some REAL reality TV. Enough with the controlled settings. Put these people in some real danger…NOW we’re talking reality…Not to mention entertainment.
Reality Shows you WON’T see next season (Thanks to Bill from Long Island for these shows):
“Celebrity At Any Cost” Eight celebrity wanna-be’s are set loose on each other with a file crew following each wanna-be. Winner gets a multi-million dollar B-movie contract.
“$5,000 Nail” 10 contestants hammer nails into their own heads. Whoever pounds the most nails into their head wins $5000 per nail.
“Torture Chamber” People are given the opportunity to inflict pain on family and friends over trivial slights while locked in small enclosed spaces for valuable prizes.
“Commander-In-Chief” Follow the election campaigns of America’s biggest liars. The two finalists in the nationwide election argue their cases in front of the Supreme Court Justice’s. The winner is selected to be President for four years by the Supreme Court. Oh wait, this WAS done before.
“Survivor: Submarine” 20 contestants are put onto a submarine and put out to sea with a one day supply of food and a gun loaded with 19 shots.
“What Would Jesus Do?” Three hardy contestants re-enact the passion of Jesus. With real nails and crosses.
“Escaped Convict” 5 Texas Death Row Inmates are released with no money and a film crew. Hilarity ensues. The first to arrive in New York City is pardoned. The Losers are summarily executed.
“Horror House” Total strangers are locked in a house with a serial killer and cameras placed throughout the house. The last contestant to remain alive wins. The serial killer gets an all-expense paid trip to the destination of his choice before being returned to serve out his sentence.
“Whack-A-Mole” 20 contestants, one of whom spills the secrets of the others to the authorities. The other contestants try to guess who the mole is. The winner gets to whack the mole, in the strictest Sicilian sense of the word.
“Survival Of The Toughest” Self-proclaimed “tough-guys” fight in cages with starved bears using only their bodies and wits.
“If I Had A Hammer” Two Contestants, Two hammers, one ring, no rules. (The ‘Rats personal fave)
“You Bet Your Life” You REALLY bet your life.
“Mechanic On Duty” A suburban, professional white couple have their car rigged to break down in South Central LA during a riot.
Most of this entry was reproduced of an entry from 2004. I repeated myself in other words...So sue me.
----- ----- ----- -----
A Hungarian proverb regarding the spreading of rumors goes: “Kick a walnut in a sack and the rest will clatter.
Dograt say: “Don’t be kicking anybody’s nuts in any sack.”
----- ----- ----- -----
This ends the entertainment portion of you day. GTF back to work.
Public Service Announcement (heretofore known as a PSA):
Welcome to Dograt Barks, a semi-informational web log that features the bullshit opinions of the ‘Rat. Before I get started, please read the following disclaimer…
This site details the Dograt and what he cares to divulge or talk about. Most of the dreck he will have me put in here is meant to be taken humorously and is representative of his somewhat warped/sarcastic/self-depreciating humor, personality and opinions.
Please be aware that these opinions belong only to the Dograt and they do not represent the opinions of the author, the authors family, the authors dog, the United States of America, or any other organization I have ever belonged to in the past or any I may belong to in the future.
In addition, let the word go forth from this time and place that the Dograt is NOT associated with any other Dograt, Dog Rat or anyone with a Dograt spelling variation thereof, forthwith and heretofore.
So having said all that...if you don't mind reading the minutiae and the rantings of a possibly mentally unbalanced, not to mention knuckleheaded, person, then feel free to continue reading.
Thank You and I hope I pass the audition.
Oh, one more thing...I frequently use the dreaded F-word in this blog. If profanity offends you in any way…well, get the fuck out.
Regarding the F-Bomb
It is has been told that the Dograt was first taught the F-bomb by his Aunt Lois when he was first learning to speak. It is also rumored that the first time the ‘Rat used the word in public, it was in the presence of not only his mother, but 2 or 3 nuns from a local church who happened to be standing nearby, causing his mother great embarrassment. It is unknown if this is the true origin of how the Dograt first learned this dreadful word, but, it does make a decent story.
So as you can see, the ‘Rat was destined to go to hell at a very early age.
Speaking of the F-bomb, have you ever noticed how versatile the it is? It can used as a verb (“They fucked”), as a noun (“You fucker!), as an adjective (“He’s a fucking idiot”), as an expression of exasperation (“Fuck me!”), an expression of anguish (Fuck!) and as an expression of ill boding (“Oh, fuck”). It can also be used to get some attention if you’re in a situation where another person is ignoring you. For example, you might originally ask, “Please pass the ketchup”, and get ignored. But if you say, “Please pass the fucking ketchup”, you’re almost guaranteed to get it. For variety you could also throw in another epithet or two at the end of the sentence for good measure. For example, “Please pass me the fucking ketchup, asshole”, will usually work as well.
"What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck did all these Indians come from?" - General Custer
"But, it's so fucking simple!!" - Albert Einstein
"It does SO fucking look like her!" - Pablo Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want me to paint the whole fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo
"I suppose a little fucking rain would be too much to ask?" - Joan of Arc
"Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton
"Scattered fucking showers...my ass." - Noah
Reality Shows
Previously, I had written about the superfluous amount of reality shows and their lack of relevance to our lives. Well, sadly, the ’Rat has to admit that he watches two of these show. And admitting something is the first step towards recovery. Anyway...
I watch Top Chef and The Deadliest Catch. I follow Top Chef because of the food. I don’t really care about the people, but I keep hoping that I’ll see something that I might be interested in eating. After two seasons, I haven’t seen anything I’d feed to my dog.
I can’t explain why I watch The Deadliest Catch. It follows 5 Alaskan king crab fishing boats through their fishing season in the Bering Sea. (That’s the sea between Alaska and Russia for those of you who are geographically challenged) The only real drama of the show is whether someone will get washed overboard and then either be rescued or drown, or if the boats meet their catch quotas for the season.
There, I’ve just completed step 1 of the healing process.
Having said all that, I think if we’re going to have reality TV, let’s have some REAL reality TV. Enough with the controlled settings. Put these people in some real danger…NOW we’re talking reality…Not to mention entertainment.
Reality Shows you WON’T see next season (Thanks to Bill from Long Island for these shows):
“Celebrity At Any Cost” Eight celebrity wanna-be’s are set loose on each other with a file crew following each wanna-be. Winner gets a multi-million dollar B-movie contract.
“$5,000 Nail” 10 contestants hammer nails into their own heads. Whoever pounds the most nails into their head wins $5000 per nail.
“Torture Chamber” People are given the opportunity to inflict pain on family and friends over trivial slights while locked in small enclosed spaces for valuable prizes.
“Commander-In-Chief” Follow the election campaigns of America’s biggest liars. The two finalists in the nationwide election argue their cases in front of the Supreme Court Justice’s. The winner is selected to be President for four years by the Supreme Court. Oh wait, this WAS done before.
“Survivor: Submarine” 20 contestants are put onto a submarine and put out to sea with a one day supply of food and a gun loaded with 19 shots.
“What Would Jesus Do?” Three hardy contestants re-enact the passion of Jesus. With real nails and crosses.
“Escaped Convict” 5 Texas Death Row Inmates are released with no money and a film crew. Hilarity ensues. The first to arrive in New York City is pardoned. The Losers are summarily executed.
“Horror House” Total strangers are locked in a house with a serial killer and cameras placed throughout the house. The last contestant to remain alive wins. The serial killer gets an all-expense paid trip to the destination of his choice before being returned to serve out his sentence.
“Whack-A-Mole” 20 contestants, one of whom spills the secrets of the others to the authorities. The other contestants try to guess who the mole is. The winner gets to whack the mole, in the strictest Sicilian sense of the word.
“Survival Of The Toughest” Self-proclaimed “tough-guys” fight in cages with starved bears using only their bodies and wits.
“If I Had A Hammer” Two Contestants, Two hammers, one ring, no rules. (The ‘Rats personal fave)
“You Bet Your Life” You REALLY bet your life.
“Mechanic On Duty” A suburban, professional white couple have their car rigged to break down in South Central LA during a riot.
Most of this entry was reproduced of an entry from 2004. I repeated myself in other words...So sue me.
A Hungarian proverb regarding the spreading of rumors goes: “Kick a walnut in a sack and the rest will clatter.
Dograt say: “Don’t be kicking anybody’s nuts in any sack.”
This ends the entertainment portion of you day. GTF back to work.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
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